SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.