SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
just witnessed a drug deal
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.