SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers