Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Stick it to the man

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

I think this cat is broken

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.