Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.