Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.