Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

lmao

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.