Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl