Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”