*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
sugar glider wrangler
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Watermelon Boss!
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Oh my god
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.