*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION