Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Florida be like…

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.