Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
had to share :’)
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
KFC hitting the cannibal market
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them