Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The old gods are rising again.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.