*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.