*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Breaking news:
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy