Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Nothing.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.