Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

catch me on valentine’s day like

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???