Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Storm Tropical Storm

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

I hope this email finds you in a well

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.