Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁