@kerouac741

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

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@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@Mr_Kapowski

U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally

GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*

USDOF: Dammit we lost him

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@Kids_kubed

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

@fart

the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off

@MissAllison07

When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.