Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING