Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
🏙👨🏼
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.