*seductively corrects your posture*
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.