*seductively eats two tums*
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My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?