*seductively eats two tums*
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ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
This woman is my idol. Free her.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
