*seductively eats two tums*
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.