Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!