*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.