*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you