@CantWaitToNap

*Seductively forgets you*

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@Angibangie

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@omgthatspunny

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

@bridger_w

If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.