*Seductively forgets you*

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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it


You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.


If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.


Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.