When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.