You know what makes this pineapple on my pizza taste even better?
– Your disapproval
*Seductively forgets you*
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Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”
— how the worm got its name
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face