*Seductively hides in the woods
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
January is lasting longer than my marriage
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
