*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Oddly specific
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Just a friendly reminder!
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Breaking news:
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices