Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad Max: Furry Road

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.