*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*