*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
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Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”