*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
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Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door