*seductively peels off lederhosen
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The future is now.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.