*seductively peels off lederhosen
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me