Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.