*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.