Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
men are simple creatures
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Self-cleaning conscience
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle