Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
You Might Also Like
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.