Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”