Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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