Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.