Seductively sings in Klingon.
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“FOUND ‘EM!”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Always this one for me forever
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is