Seductively sings in Klingon.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.