Seductively sings in Klingon.
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.