Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.