*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You Might Also Like
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.