Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?