*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
screw you
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.