Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.