*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.