*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.