Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

When I said I liked it rough.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.