Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

🙁

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.