Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

when unicorns get really drunk

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?