Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

me adding lol on a serious message

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence