Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Can confirm.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

next question.

Couple goals

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention