Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

me after eating Cheetos

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long