Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband