Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”