Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.