*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.