*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
This is my favorite one of these!
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea