*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.