*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.