*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
How to draw a duck
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t