*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes