*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)