*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.